A Lady’s Guide to Speaking Republican: Holiday Houseguest Edition

Screenshot 2015-12-18 07.39.46Going home for the holidays?  Me too.   Each member of my family is more conservative and Catholic than the next.  Plus, they’re in a perpetual state of outrage, fueled by Fox News and a box of white wine. Someone’s always taking their Medicare and giving it to immigrants, or so they say.

If your holiday situation looks like mine, we have a decision to make. Speak up or let it go?  While it may be dishonest, I tend to take the path of least resistance.  That’s why I penned “A Lady’s Guide to Speaking Republican.”  It is neither properly feminist nor truthful, but it just may get you through the holidays without being written out of the will.

When one of them brings up an uncomfortably hateful remark about anything you believe in, simply think of this year’s batch of GOP hopefuls and say, “You know what I like about that…” Then you fill in the blank.  Use your own words.  Here are some ideas to choose from:

Marco Rubio

I picked him first because he’s the closest in age to me and probably anyone reading this.  I know my mother likes him because he is Catholic and attractive, so this is a good place to start.

What I like about him is that he tends to look tired and disheveled. The older guys are like robots, but Rubio gets flustered, like me at the end of a long day at Disneyland.  Lindsay Graham and George Pataki are so mummified from years on the public stage that they look the same at Minute 1 as Hour 2 of a debate.  Not Rubio. He looks like he needs to sit down and get his makeup redone, and that would totally be me.

* If you’re feeling sassy, you can always joke that he’s the only candidate that is remotely “shaggable.”  Your mom might get upset with you personally, but the subject will be officially changed.

Jeb Bush

What is he passionate about?  What are his key issues?  No one knows, because no one cares.  He’s the most boring outfit in the closet.  And your folks just might agree with you on that one.  It is possible to have common ground!  Kudos to him for getting under Trump’s skin during the last debate though.

Carly Fiorina

I like Carly because she stood up to Trump during Debate #2.  You’ve got to admire her ability to go from the JV Squad of Certain Losers (Pataki, Jindal, Graham, that now includes Huckabee) and scratch her way up to the #3 (at one point, anyway).  She’s a good one to cheer for in front of conservative relatives because 1.  She’s a woman and 2. She probably won’t get the nomination anyway, so it doesn’t matter.  I do actually kind of like her.

Chris Christie and/or John Kasich

These two guys actually did great work on behalf of their states as governor (Christie as former governor of New Jersey and Kasich as the current governor of Ohio).  They might have valid solutions for the country, but they’re in the shadows of Trump’s craziness.  It’s too bad.

Ben Carson

Uh oh.  All the holy rollers went from Huckabee (who became like that boyfriend who knows you’re leaving and will say ANYTHING to keep you around) to Carson, and now, they’re going to Cruz. Christians can be surprisingly fickle.

Trump

He speaks his mind.  Yeah.  You can agree on that.  Like the unruly kid at the birthday party, someone has to give him a time out. Republican Party, I’m looking at you.

Ted Cruz

According to my husband, he was Harvard’s debate team champion back in the day.  He can say anything and make it sound really, really good.  Try listening to him, it’s awesome.  Careful though, he’s getting the holy roller vote and thinks (or says) climate change isn’t manmade.  Need something fun to share?  He’s a “Simpsons” TV show fan and does impressions of some of the voices, which can be found on YouTube.

***

None of these working for you?  Then you’ve got to go big.  You’ve got to say something that may stick with you for the rest of your life.  Use this only in case of emergency.  Whisper in someone’s ear:

“Don’t tell anyone, but I have a huge crush on Rand Paul.”

And with that, the tension is cut.  You mom may try and talk you out of it, but you’re hooked!

Ssh, remember it’s a secret.  You’ve just entrusted something to them and they must promise not to tell.

***

So there you have it.  I am willing to avoid conflict at any cost.

Think you can change their minds?  Go ahead!  See who stomps out of the room angrily first.

Some people like to tell the truth.  I prefer to keep the peace.